Tuesday, June 21, 2005

...just me dusting out the cobwebs in muh head...

Loneliness is starting to set in. I'm starting to realize why people are drawn to or crave interaction/socialization. It's a dangerous thing when one has too much time to think. Time is all I have anymore. I think about my past, present, and future; I think about politics; I think about where I want to be in 10 years and which path I should take right now to get there. I am a college dropout and I'm very ashamed of that fact. In one respect I'm glad I left because since then I've thought a lot about what I want to be when I grow up. I was on my way to becoming a Registered Nurse and then eventually a midwife. After having a child I discovered that exploding vaginas aren't really my cup o' tea. The whole process of pregnancy the physiology and biology of it still fascinates me, but I can't stand people. There...I've contradicted myself. Here I am talking about how I'm craving some sort of social life and then I say I hate people. I think it's my lack of interaction that has lead me into this hole. It's a whole drawn out saga that I'm too tired to type, but I know would probably help me if I did. I've been a stay-at-home mom now for 872 days. I've missed out on all of the normal early 20s bullshit. I'm not saying that I don't love my son and I'm not looking for pity. It goes back to the whole thinking too much thing again. I'm looking for camaraderie. I would love to meet someone just like me who has traveled a similar road. I have one friend. She is my best friend and has been for a long time. She was my birthing coach when Nathaniel was a dick. She was there when Geof was born. She's been with me during all my highs and lows. But she has no idea how I feel because she's never been in my shoes. Nathaniel has his own demons. He has sacrificed a lot for us. But he's never been the staty-at-home parent. Both my parents worked when I was growing up. I just want to sit down with someone to say hey, I feel this way...you do too? cool!! Honestly, I think I just need to get out of the house and away from Geof for a bit. I love him dearly and when I am away he's all I think about. Maybe I just want someone to tell me what in the hell I do now. I knew what had to be done when I got pregnant, that was easy. Now that Geof is happy and healthy how do I get myself back together? I want to go back to school and be somebody. I want to earn my own paycheck so I can buy myself a car. I've dreamt of having my own car since I was 16, I'm 23 now. I don't want a brand new something off the lot, I just want something that I picked out and plastered with my own stickers and named, and called my own. I want to be able to afford health and dental insurance. I'm tired of treading water, going nowhere and feeling like I've fallen through the cracks and been forgotten. Bingo!! That's it!! I honestly feel like I've been forgotten. Since I became pregnant I focused solely on the health, safety, and happiness of my son. When we visit with anyone, Geof is the center of attention. Nathaniel has told me where I am on his list of priorities...after Geof. I wouldn't want it to be any other way, really. Geof is my world and Nathaniel's as well. Raising a child is a huge responsibility and we accepted the challenge. I just need someone to talk to, a real person, not some online support group kind of thing. That's a bit difficult since people like me are doing what I'm doing...whining in some blog entry. Fuck maybe I'm just bipolar. I can be super duper happy and super duper sad in one day, or happy for a few months then sad for a few months, or happy for a few weeks then sad for a few weeks....you get the idea. I guess it could be hormones, too. Maybe I'm just thinking too much again. I wish I could find the damn off switch sometimes!! Thanks for listening but I request no comments please. I know someone will read this and I don't really care, but I think I will be a bit embarrassed in the morning so I'll just pretend that no one will see this so don't burst my bubble and comment. Just let me have this one fantasy. Hell I don't even know how coherent this thing is. It was written with very little thought and more like a stream of consciousness thing. I'm not even going to proofread it...I will check for spelling errors because I'm anal like that.


Post a Comment

<< Home

Page Rank Icon