Monday, July 18, 2005

I've Got Too Much Time On My Hands!

When I was younger I used to wish I were an animal so that I didn't have to go to school. This occurred mostly when I had to give some sort of speech or had a big paper due. Now, I want more than anything to go back. Not to repeat any particular grade or school event. I just want to learn. I loved learning. I still do. I miss researching papers, discovering some amazing fact, the whole process. The way my brain buzzed and expanded with knowledge. I'll go back someday. When Geof is older and we can afford tuition. I don't wish for Geof to not exist, but mine and Nathaniel's carelessness really put a kink into a lot of our plans for our futures both separately and together. We both love our son and wouldn't trade him for anything. I want to have more children. I always dreamed of having a whole house full of them. However, after giving birth I'd be happy now with 2 or 3 tops! I imagined that they would be close enough in age that they would have common interests. I figured about a 3 year age difference would be good. Geof will be 3 on his next birthday and I don't see a sibling for him anytime soon. I'd like to go back to school when he starts kindergarten. But what about having more children? Things get all tricky there. If we have more kids I'd like to stay home with them as well to give them the same opportunities as Geof. Nathaniel has said half jokingly that for his 25th birthday he's treating himself to a vasectomy. We haven't talked about it much since. It all began when our marriage was filled with a lot of tears and emotional stress, anguish, and pain. The love has always been there. Otherwise we wouldn't have come as far as we have. I remember the car ride back to school on our way from telling my parents that we planned to marry. We talked about all the exciting and important stuff. Where to live, a rough idea of what the other wanted for the wedding ceremony, the number of kids, etc. He wanted a couple. Now I'm not so sure. Like I said before I'd like 1 or 2 more, but I'm not ready yet. I've mentioned this to him before. I told him that I would like to have another baby, however, I'm not ready right now and honestly I may not ever be and I was ok with that. Emotionally and financially, I don't think I/we would or could be ready for at least a couple years. By then Geof will be 5. Is it fair to him to have another child when all he's known is being an only child? I had a younger sister who was 19 months younger than me. She was born with severe cerebral palsy and my parents placed her in a home for kids like her when she was 2. I kind of felt like I lived in two worlds. I had a sister, but I didn't. I always wanted another sibling, but I loved my sister dearly. She died when she was 12 the day before Thanksgiving.... Eh, I'm just thinking/typing out loud here I guess.....oh, what tangled webs we weave.

Nathaniel left out on the road this morning. Headed down to Texas. It's funny, when he's gone I get so damn jealous of the people driving on the same interstates/roads as him. Because they get to see him and I don't. I fall in love with him more and more everyday though. I know this job sucks for him, but he does it for Geof and me. That is the greatest feeling. To know that someone will go through hell for you. Of course this is nothing for us. We've already been through hell and back and got the tshirt! Ain't love grand?!

I've been a bit stir crazy lately so I decided to read a book. My Dad had loaned me 3 different books a while back but I just never sat down to read. Thursday I decided to pick one up. I swear I didn't put it down until Saturday! It was The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Excellent book. Perhaps it's because I'm emotionally driven or just weird but books and songs, when they strike a chord with me resonate so deeply. I get emotionally attached to them. This was one of those books. I thought about it when I was doing other things. When I put it down my inner monologue became a narrative.....example, "she looked into his eyes as she put the milk back into refridgerator..." "his giggling shattered through the haze of her daydreaming and ..." "as she sat down to pee..." It got kind of funny and I would laugh out loud at myself. But honestly it was a nice escape away from reality for me...very refreshing. You're probably reading this thinking I'm a total lunatic and that's ok...sometimes I might just agree.

2 Comments:

Blogger Deneen said...

Amanda, You have tons of time left to decide if you want more children. My baby brother is six years younger than me. My mother had several miscarriages and then my brother. So I was an "only child" til I was six. I adored having the baby around. Geoff will want to help out, you'll see. Elena is an only and many times I wish I had more (I can't, besides I'm old as dirt now).

I loved that book too!

July 19, 2005 6:31 AM  
Anonymous guile said...

i love the lovely bones.. ms sebold really writes well..

August 16, 2005 1:21 AM  

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